Fast-forwarding my DVR through the Emmys: a liveblog

I don't really have my shit together enough to actually liveblog things, but I did tape the Emmys, and since I can now fast-forward through all of the truly horrible parts, let's give it a shot. So here we go with the 59th Emmy Awards. On FOX!

9:50 Oh god, Ryan Seacrest.
9:51 For me, Ryan Seacrest handing off to Ray Romano is like a monkey with a nailgun handing off to a cement truck full of leeches. FAST-FORWARD.
9:52 Comedy supporting actor. This has got to be Rainn Wilson, right?
9:52: Jeremy Piven?! Fucking LA.
9:53: I know American Ferrera is supposed to be ironically pretty, but something about her Ugly Betty outfit really pulls her together in a way her actual appearance doesn't. Perhaps I have been seduced by illusion.
9:54: OK, I don't care about supporting drama actor, but why is Shatner here?
9:55 So is the gay guy from ER Grey's Anatomy nominated because he's good or because of that whole Isiah Washington thing? Could they have a "best excuse for Hollywood to act self-righteous" award next year?
9:56 The guy from Lost who looks like he's about to star as "Mex Muthor" in a straight-to-video movie from 1982 called The Adventures of Superguy won. This is why I hate the Emmys: they keep rewarding shows I hate.
10:02 Why is Sally Field sitting next to Reese from Malcolm in the Middle?
10:03 Ryan Seacrest handing off to Tina Fey and Julia Louis-Dreyfus is like a plate of maggot-infested chicken handing off to bacon-wrapped filet mignon. But who is the bacon?
10:04 Comedy supporting actress: I guess I haven't seen Two and a Half Men, which for some reason has two separate actresses nominated, but this has got to be Jaime Pressly, right?
10:05 Haha, Vanessa Williams. She's like the Shatner of this category.
10:06 Oh, wshew, the industry has decided they like My Name is Earl, I guess.
10:06 Hooray for skipping speeches!
10:09 "It's HIGH-gel, actually." Honey, if we learned anything from Knocked Up, it's that we want our women to shut up and pump out babies, OK? You should be thankful we let you have a name.
10:10 Oh crap, first mini-series award. FAST-FORWARD.
10:10 Shit, it takes me longer to write FAST-FORWARD than it does to actually fast-forward and now I saw it.
10:10 Crap, and now I did fast-forward and apparently Thomas Hayden Church is thanking Rudy Guiliani? Somehow? Hold on.
10:11 Oh, that's Robert Duval, hahaha.
10:12 "Only on the 59th Primetime Emmy Awards!" Did the Emmys just tout their exclusivity at giving out Emmys?
10:14 Did they put Ellen up there just to highlight the fact that Seacrest is coming off like a bitter Carson Daly?
10:15 Now there's some sort of talk-show host montage. Huh, sorta wish they'd have shown more of Craig Ferguson's "No Britney Spears jokes" monologue, but I guess it would look strange next to a bunch of Al Gore fat jokes.
10:17 Hey, they're using music to switch from comedy to death, just like on Scrubs!
10:17 Wait, there was no point to that? Should I have listened to Ellen?
10:18 Actress on a drama. They should give it to Sandra Oh as a consolation for being "the overlooked one" in Sideways.
10:19 The Sopranos vs. Grey's Anatomy, and the pregnant chick won! I guess I would have much preferred John Turturro's sister, but what can you do? Man, the fact that there are only two shows represented in this category says something, doesn't it? Something about how the Emmys doesn't nominate anything that's not on the 4 major networks or HBO?
10:19 "Thanks for getting my name right!" Oh honey, shut up.
10:20 OK, but your mom totally deadpanned. She's awesome.
10:21 Sweetie, you don't want to do what you do, you want to move on to movies, so please, shuffle off, OK?
10:24 Nighttime talk-show writing. They all love Colbert, right?
10:25 So they all did little videos listing the names of the writers, and except for Colbert's, they all involved jokes about Bush or Republicans. That's a sign of something. Coincidentally, Colbert's (which involved all the writers going up to him and hitting him) was the best.
10:26 Oh, Conan. That's good too. As long as it's not Maher. That's a good life philosophy, actually.
10:27 "A performance by Tony Bennet and Xtina." I hope they do "Dirrty!"
10:29 I neglected to mentio this before, but the whole thing opened with a Family Guy song, and seeing the current performance (which involves, I shit you not, people in half-off tuxes and chairs), I start to wonder if the entire Emmy telecast is a Family Guy episode.
10:33 It's OK if I skip director awards, right?
10:35 I went to the bathroom and came back to find some dude thanking his parents, so I think I can skip director awards.
10:36 Jesus fuck, do people watch mini-series? It's like the best foreign film award of the Emmys.
10:36 WAIT HOLD ON MATTHEW PERRY WAS IN A MINI-SERIES?
10:36 WAIT HOLD ON TOM SELLECK WAS IN A MINI-SERIES?
10:36 AND THEY BOTH LOST TO ROBERT DUVAL WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON STOP.
10:37 Note to self, go up later and spell "Duvall" right.
10:37 Fast-forwarding through Robert Duvall's facial expressions is like watching a squirrel scurry around a tree.
10:38 "And the Jersey Boys pay tribute to the Sopranos!" I know this is a big victory lap for The Sopranos, but why did you let actual New Jersey residents pick the musical numbers?
10:40 Apparently there's a movie coming out called "Elizabeth: The Golden Age." Why can't they make "Elizabeth: Holy Shit, That Bitch Can Yodel!"
10:41 Queen Latifah is paying tribute to Roots, and I don't think I'm allowed to make fun of this.
10:42 Roots got a 44.9 rating! Good job putting it in terms we can all understand.
10:42 Oh, it's Roots' fault that we have mini-series. But y'all, they suck! Actual series are doing the same thing much better now!
10:43 This is the part of the Emmys where we pretend Lou Gossett, Jr. is respectable!
10:44 GEORDI WHERE IS YOUR MAGIC EYE VISOR
10:45 Ed Asner up there looks like a music industry executive from the 50s.
10:45 Oh please please please make the cast of Roots give an award to Debra Messing.
10:48 Every time I hear Hayden Panettiere's name I think someone's still stoned from the laser show.
10:49 They give out awards for guest stars? Well, I hope the aspy guy from Boston Legal wins, then. I also hope he accepts in character.
10:51 I'm going to be skipping all Sopranos-related content for the evening, by the by.
10:52 Drama writing! Apparently I'll be fast-forwarding through this, too!
10:54 Hahaha, Colbert is wearing one of his bracelets.
10:55 Anybody but Maher! Anybody but Maher! OK, the Daily Show, fine fine.
10:57 They just showed a shot of someone who looks like Colbert but with a Jewfro. That was creepy.
10:58 I'm just going to go ahead and lump Tony Bennett in with the fast-forwarding rule.
10:59 It's the accountants' spotlight! My favorite moment of any awards show. "Now, some nerds who we won't let talk!"
11:00 MINI SERIES CONTENT
11:00 The chairman of the television academy! And he's not talking about illegal downloading! Because the TV industry actually has their shit together with downloading!
11:01 Actually, his speech could be titled "Comic Relief: An Appreciation."
11:02 They really gave an award to fucking Idol Gives Back? "For when TV sacrifices its enjoyability for pandering and self-congratulation, we honor you!"
11:04 Oh, I keep forgetting Fred Willard is on that Kelsey Grammer show, and every time I am reminded I cry a single tear. Grammar/Heaton is like two gigantic anuses farting on each other for an hour.
11:05 Did they make Glenn Close thank TV for letting women on it?
11:07 I didn't think I'd have to include "Western content" in my fast-forwarding list, and now I am paying the price. BURY MY HEART AT SHUT UP.
11:08 Apparently anyone can make a tribute to the Sopranos by singing in front of screens on which clips from The Sopranos are playing. Look! Now I'm making a tribute to the Emmys by facing backwards and singing "TV Eye!" Now I'm making a tribute to my blog! Now I'm making a tribute to my couch!
11:10 "The Sopranos: It Existed!"
11:12 "And now, the cast of Roots will pesonally fellate the cast of The Sopranos!"
11:13 They just came out and people clapped for them. Thank goodness, because they've really been underappreciated.
11:17 The microphone accidentally started coming out the trapdoor and it looked like somebody sorta wandered in, went "whoops!" and left.
11:19 They are apologizing for promos by letting Louis Black complain about them, apparenly.
11:21 And then Louis Black leaves, his subversive message delivered! He doesn't have to present an award, he is an award.
11:21 "Mini-series, movies, and dramatic specials..." AAAGH "..thanks to the work of these talented directors." IS THERE A WAY TO DOUBLE FAST-FORWARD? Oh yes, there is.
11:23 Holy shit, they're actually running Til Death and Back to You back-to-back.
11:24 I love it when smart people get treated like performing animals. "People think this guy is really smart, and now we will make him participate in some retarded YouTube thing!"
11:25 The MySpace guy is a camwhore! I hope the guy from Heroes offers him an Amazon gift-certificate to show us his balls.
11:25 Guys, don't cheer Al Gore when you don't even watch the damn thing he's up there getting an award for.
11:26 "First, I want to do what you just did and thank Al Gore..." FF PLS
11:27 I stopped early and heard him say something like "...and reclaim American democracy!" Did Al Gore finally make the jump from wonk to libtard? Don't believe your hype, Al!
11:27 Dear California: please pass a law prohibiting Brad Garrett from ad-libbing.
11:28 PLEASE STOP I AM SERIOUSLY ALMOST CRYING
11:28 It's making me like Colbert more that he's/it's not winning any of the categories he/it is in.
11:29 Tony Bennett just thanked Target! Holy crap, he thinks it's 1957!
11:31 Yay, Alec Baldwin's mom on 30 Rock just yawned while accepting her award! "I'm not faking this, I really don't know what the hell I'm doing." Dear California: please require all of Brad Garrett's ad-libs to be played by her.
11:33 Comedy directing, which I do kinda care about, is won by Ugly Betty! Yay! They sure did put him in the cheap seats, though.
11:36 Comedy writing. 2 Office episodes? Really? And 2 30 Rocks? I mean, I love those shows, but c'mon.
11:38 Have they minimized Seacrest's participation, or have I just been fast-forwarding through it? And did he just say "this looked a lot less gay"?
11:40 Rainn Wilson looks a lot like John Hodgman tonight.
11:41 Whoa, seriously, Kanye? Did he request this?
11:41 They're doing a kareoke thing and it's actually hilarious. "Another one?" Kanye for host!
11:42 "I never win." "Sorry man."
11:44 That skit was a comedy music reality show. If they also incorporated a mafia doctor it would've encompassed all of TV, except the parts we don't care about like mini-series.
11:47 Man, this got much better at the end. Unfortunately, funny awards shows make liveblogs much less funny.
11:50 Does no one know when Steven Colbert is making fun of them?
11:51 Presumably you've seen the hug by now, yes?
11:56 The hug, though, is kinda important. Oh wait, there's another award.
11:57 Yay America Ferrera! Man, this liveblog has gotten boring, huh?
12:00 OH NOES IT'S THE FART PATROL Thank god they're running late so they can't say anything.
12:00 30 Rock wins for comedy series, which is great--I really like it when the Emmys spreads things around, because Ugly Betty really isn't doing the same thing as 30 Rock, you know?
12:02 OK, I'm stopping now because this has really gotten boring and I have to eat lunch and it's just going to be The Sopranos, but more on the hug later.

Labels: colbert, liveblogging, TV, Ugly Betty

posted by Mike B. @ 8:55 AM